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Dear Dharma Friends,

The topic we are going to discuss today is “Speaking of You and Me.” Human interaction plays a very important role in our everyday lives. When we have harmony in our relationships with others, we also have peace of mind. Conversely, when we do not handle our relationships properly, we may create a lot of headaches for ourselves. Our existence in this world is built on mutual support, in fact, often more than we care to admit. Thus, it is important that we know how to treat others with respect and how to stay in control of ourselves. This is the essence of our discussion today.

Once there was a devout Buddhist who asked a Ch'an master, “Master, what is a buddha?”

The Ch'an master smiled and answered, “Perhaps, I should not answer your question. Even if I were to give you an answer, you might not believe me.”

The man said respectfully, “I will not doubt your words.”

“If that's the case, I'll answer your question.” The Ch'an master pointed at the man and continued, “You, you are a buddha.”

The man was astonished. He said, “I am just an ordinary man. How can I claim to be a buddha?”

“Because you cannot move beyond your view of 'self,' you do not know that you are a buddha,” the Ch'an master explained.

The man wanted to test his own understanding a bit further. He asked, “In my case, my view of a 'self' prevents me from knowing that I am a buddha. Let me then ask if you, the Ch'an master, are a buddha?”

The Ch'an master grinned and said, “All these discriminations and attachments! Even the attachment to the concept of 'self' can prevent us from seeing our buddhahood, let alone the attachment to the concept of 'others.'”

On our journey to buddhahood, it is our delusion regarding self and others that prevents us from clearly seeing the Dharma. When we fail to understand what “you” and “me” mean, it is no wonder that we act in ignorance, creating unwholesome karma for ourselves along the way. Moreover, our delusion acts like a veil before our eyes, effectively clouding our vision. Today, we are going to look at the role of human relationships in society, its meaning in the context of time and space, what the sutras teach us in this matter, and the basis of harmonious relationships. I hope that through our discussion today, we will all develop an appreciation for the relevance of the Dharma.

I. Looking at the Role of Human Relationships in Society

Many social conflicts are rooted in the mishandling of relationships. In the sutras, there is an allegory that speaks to this point. When we look at the human face, we can see that the eyebrows sit on top of the eyes, followed by the nose and then the mouth. One day, the eyes decided to air their grievance. They said, “We, the eyes, are the windows to the world. If it weren't for us, you will not be able to see where you are going. As important as we are, we are placed below the eyebrows. How unfair!”

As soon as the eyes stopped talking, the nose jumped in, “If you are talking about importance, I am the most important. I am the one that makes breathing possible. If I stopped doing my job, all of you would not survive. I am the one that should complain.”

The mouth also had something to say about the matter, “Both of you are mistaken, for I am the most important. I am the one that takes in food and keeps all of you alive. As hard as I work, I am situated at the lowest spot on the face. The eyebrows do not do anything, yet they are high up there.”

One after another, they all voiced their dissatisfaction with the eyebrows. After everyone had his turn, the eyebrows spoke, “I know I am not as important as you all are and am undeserving of being on top of all of you. Let me move.” Having said this, the eyebrows placed themselves below the eyes. The eyes took a look and were shocked. They said, “This looks ghastly. This is not going to work.” The eyebrows then moved to below the nose, and the reaction was no different. Finally the eyebrows settled below the mouth, and the face looked worse. In the end, they all decided that it was best for the eyebrows to return to their original place on the face. All the discussions and commotion were for naught.

We are no different from the eyes, nose, and mouth in the story above. When we see others doing better than ourselves, we often feel an urge to one-up them. Unchecked competition can even drive us to resort to unethical means to achieve our goals, creating many enemies and problems in the process. Even loving couples are not immune to the ills of rivalry. In The Sutra of One Hundred Parables, there is a story about such a rivalry. Once there was a very poor husband and wife, both of whom wanted to eat the last piece of bread that remained. Neither of them would give in. Knowing that his wife liked to talk, the husband challenged his wife to see who could remain silent longer. The wife agreed. They sat across each other at the table, both looking at the piece of bread in the middle. Before long, a burglar broke into the house. At first, when he saw the two of them sitting at the table, he thought he was caught for sure. When he realized the two were not about to move, he got bold and began to grope the woman to see if she was wearing any valuables. Angry with her husband for not doing anything to stop the burglar, she could no longer hold her tongue. She jumped out of her chair and yelled at her husband, “Are you blind? Do you see the burglar here trying to take advantage of me?”

To her surprise, her husband was not at all upset. He was plainly delighted that he had won. He grabbed the bread and said, “You've lost. This piece of bread is rightfully mine.”

When we are consumed with winning, competition takes on a life of its own, and we often lose sight of why and for what we were competing in the first place. In such an atmosphere, there is little room for a relationship to blossom. Only when we can let go of the attachment to winning or the aversion to losing can we be at peace with others. Only then can we experience the vastness of the Dharma.

When we maintain the duality of self versus others, we develop disproportionate levels of love and hatred. When we love someone, we want to spend all of our time with that person. Every time we part with our loved ones, we feel the anxiety of separation. On the other hand, when we dislike someone, we never want to see that person again. Each time we have to deal with someone we do not like, we feel angry and frustrated. If we replace such intense emotions with compassion, much of the friction in human relations will disappear. If we realize that we all are one, then there will be no impulse to jealousy and no room for conflict. The Diamond Sutra teaches us that there is no boundary or chasm that separates self and others and that we should let go of the notion of self and the notion of others. When we can practice this, we will no longer engage in meaningless mind games.

Little do we realize that when we hurt others, we are in essence hurting ourselves. Once there was a family of three generations living under the same roof. One day, when the grandson misbehaved, the grandfather gave the little boy a good spanking. The father saw the incident and was not happy to see his son being punished. Angrily, he slapped his own face a few times. The grandfather was puzzled and asked, “What are you doing?” The son replied, “Since you punished my son, I hit your son to get even.” While we may say such a story is simple-minded, how many times have we suffered in the name of trying to get even?

Human society is nothing other than a web of human relationships. Each link in the web affects the whole. When we see how the repercussions of one relationship can affect the whole, we'll learn to treasure each relationship. We all have an important role to play in maintaining the health and well being of this inter-locking web.

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II. Looking at Relationships in the Context of Time and Space

When we consider the physical body which we call self, we see that its life span is limited to only a few decades. Because of our tunnel vision, we tend to be overly consumed with the welfare of the physical body, not realizing that our being is much larger than this physical manifestation. When we look at existence in the context of the cycle of rebirth, we have a long history and an unbounded future. Our physical body is like a house. When the house is beyond repair, we move on to a new one. When our bodies grow old and die, we move into a new body. While our form may be different for each rebirth, our buddha nature remains the same. If we know we are in for the long haul, we will look at each turn of success and failure as less overwhelming.

When we look at existence in the context of space, we also have to bear in mind that our circumstances in life are nothing more than the ever-changing manifestations of our past causes and conditions. If we measure the significance of our lives by how much money or assets we have, we are in essence reducing our lives to dollars and cents. Our being is our buddha nature; it is more than the physical body and its significance far exceeds whatever material possessions we have. Our being “spans the three realms of existence” in terms of time and “traverses the ten directions” in terms of space. In fact, the whole of the universe is a reflection of our collective karma and is intimately related to every fiber of our being. Su Tung-p'o, a famous Chinese poet of the Tang dynasty, once described this relationship as follows:

            All sounds of rippling creeks are broad, long tongues.
            Mountains, nothing but pure bodies.

When I first arrived in Taiwan in the 1940s, I was truly destitute in a material sense. Though I was penniless, I never felt in want of anything. The wealth that I found in nature was immeasurable. When I was down in spirit, the stars and moon in the sky kept me company. Flowers were there for me to enjoy; trees provided shade for me. Everything in nature gave me untold joy. When I felt the embrace of the whole universe, how could I feel anything but rich and fulfilled?

Unfortunately, many of us do not know our buddha nature, our true self. As we course through the cycles of rebirth, we become attached to the impermanent, non-substantial self and lose touch with our buddha nature. In Buddhist literature, there is a story which speaks of our ignorance. One time, a monk passed by a family's home on his alms round. It so happened that the family was busy celebrating a wedding, and no one paid him any attention. The monk looked around and sighed,

The monk felt a sense of pity for sentient being who cannot see impermanence and become preoccupied with the hustle and bustle of life. The animals that were being cooked in the kitchen pots were the aunts of previous lives. The guests of the wedding were cows and sheep in their previous lives. The bride was in fact the groom's grandmother in a previous lifetime.

If we could look into the past and future, we would realize that many of the myriad relationships in this world are both pitiful and laughable. The Inspiration to Pledge Our Bodhicitta speaks of two such examples, “Whipping the mule until it bleeds, who knows of my mother's sorrow? Taking the animal to be slaughtered, how do I know of your father's pain?” There was a story behind these lines. Once there was a family who had a mule. For many years, the family used the mule to pull produce to the market. When the mule grew old, it was no longer strong enough to pull the cartloads of produce. The mule's owner thought that he could get some more use out of it if only he could show the mule who the master was. Every day he whipped the mule so that it would work harder. One night, he dreamed of the mule appearing before him in human form, pleading with him, “In your previous life, I was your mother. I was not a good mother and neglected you. As a result, I was reborn as a mule to repay my debt to you. For the last twenty years, I helped you transport produce to the market. Now I am old and weak, I can no longer work like I did before. Please have pity on me and spare me your whipping.” When the man woke up, he was ashamed that he had been so cruel, so he took the mule to a nearby temple for it to live out its days in peace.

Similarly, when we slaughter animals for their meat, we bring pain upon them and create unwholesome karma for ourselves. The following poem explains this well:

            My flesh, sentient beings' flesh—
          Names different, nature the same.
          Of the same nature,
          Taking on different forms.

While human beings and animals are of different form, our nature is the same. We should have compassion for all sentient beings, man and animal alike. We should not think only of ourselves, with no regard for the welfare of others. If we are callous, we will have to pay for our actions eventually.

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III. What the Sutras Say About Human Relationships

In regards to human relationships, the sutras teach us to have compassion for each other. We should love all sentient beings as if they were our own sons and daughters. Bodhisattvas see all beings as not separate from them. When we suffer, they feel our pain. In the eyes of the bodhisattvas, we are intimately related to them. When they help us, they are also helping themselves. This is what is meant when we say, “Cultivate kindness without conditions and ground compassion in oneness.”

Once there was a man who asked a Ch'an master to write something special for his birthday. The Ch'an master wrote, “Father expires, son expires, grandson expires.” The man was not at all amused by the mentioning of death on his birthday. The Ch'an master explained, “These are words of good luck.”

The man was puzzled and asked, “Everyone dies. What kind of good luck is this?”

The Ch'an master replied, “Would you rather have your grandson pass away before your son and before you. How tragic it is to have elders attending the funerals of the young!”

When we do not have a clear understanding of how we relate to others, we create a lot of headaches for ourselves. There are many instances in which the sutras speak of how relationships should be handled. Here we'll look specifically at what the sutras say regarding friendships and spousal relationships.

A. About Friendships

According to the sutras, there are four kinds of friends: friends who treat you like a flower, friends who act like a balance, friends who are like the mountains, and friends who are like the earth.

We all like flowers, especially when they are fresh. We put them in vases to decorate our homes, and we may even wear them in our hair. But when the flowers wilt, we toss them out like trash. Some people treat their friends like flowers. They are charming when they need their friends. When their friends outlive their usefulness, they toss them out like wilted flowers. This can be seen in the saying, “The poor live in the city without anyone asking after them. The rich live in secluded areas and distant relatives come calling.” Then there are some people who act like a scale and continually compare their friends with themselves. When their friends are more prosperous than they are, they treat them with reverence. When their friends are down on their luck, they distance themselves from their friends and their misfortune. Some friends are analogous to mountains. Like mountains that are full of rich ore, flowers, and wildlife, these friends are full of treasures and wonders. We can learn a lot from such friends. Some friends are like the great earth that lets everything grow in its rich soil. Such friends can help us grow in our wisdom and strengthen our character.

The Agamas speak of the four kinds of friends that should be cultivated. The first kind is friends that can help us tell right from wrong. They let us know if we are doing something right and are not afraid to tell us when we are in the wrong. Such friends help us stay on the right path. The second kind is friends that are compassionate and caring. They give us moral support during our trying times. They are also happy for us when we are doing well. The third kind is friends that are always ready to extend a helping hand. They are pillars of strength. They help us stay focused and come to our aid when we are at a loss. The fourth kind is friends that share our aspirations. Such friends provide us with encouragement and are not hesitant to share their time and resources with others.

The sutras also speak of the five types of friends that we should avoid. The first type is friends that never show their true intentions. The second type is friends that are envious of others' good fortune and success. The third type is friends that have hearts of stone. They only think about themselves and fail to see others' predicaments. The fourth type is friends who do not acknowledge their own mistakes. The fifth type is friends who refuse to accept advice from others.

B. About Spousal Relationships

In addition to relationships with our friends, the sutras also speak of spousal relationships. Let us first look at what the sutras say regarding a husband's responsibilities to his wife. First and utmost, a husband should be respectful of his wife. When a man respects his spouse, more than likely he will not jeopardize his marriage with extra-marital affairs. Second, a husband should trust his wife in her handling of household affairs. When a husband is trusting of his wife, chances are he will not hide any secrets from her or keep personal funds for his own enjoyment. Third, a husband should try his best to provide for his family. [While a modern-day wife may have a career of her own, a man should not use that as an excuse to shirk his responsibility.] Fourth, a husband should keep work and personal life separate. While a work environment calls for a certain demeanor, a husband should not try to carry an air of importance at home over his wife. Fifth, a husband should do his best so that his wife can be proud of him as a husband.

What do the sutras say regarding a wife's responsibilities to her husband? Again, first and foremost is respect for her husband. Mutual respect is the foundation of all good marriages. Second, a wife should use loving words. Imagine a wife that often used harsh words to put her husband down, do you think such a marriage would last? Third, a wife should tend to the affairs of the home. [Though many wives of the twenty-first century are in the work force, they should not neglect their household duties.] A home should feel like a home, and both husbands and wives have their parts in making the other party feel comfortable and secure. Fourth, a wife should be a good hostess to their friends and relatives that come to visit. When a woman is a good hostess, there is less need for a husband to do his entertaining outside of his own home. In this way, there are many more opportunities for a wife to get to know her husband's friends and not feel isolated. While there are historical and cultural differences in how any relationship should be handled, the basic elements of respect and compassion are the universal ingredients of a good and healthy relationship.

Here we have limited our discussion to relations between friends and between spouses. In addition to these relationships, the sutras also address other human relationships such as those between parents and their children or those between people of different social standing. The Buddha's teachings touch on both the phenomenal and the transcendental, for how we relate to others is the foundation of any kind of practice.

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IV. Basis of Good Human Relationships

“All worldly phenomena arise out of causes and conditions; all worldly phenomena cease because of causes and conditions.” Human relations are no different. Wholesome actions are the seeds of good relationships, and unwholesome actions breed problems in our relationships with others. I am going to offer you in the following pages some suggestions on how we can nurture our relationships.

A. Putting Others Ahead of Oneself

We have been trained from a very young age to look out for ourselves. We strive to be better than others, and we often measure success in life by how much we own. Such lines of thinking are the root causes of human conflict. To resolve conflict, we have to start with modifying these kinds of attitudes.

One way we can put others ahead of ourselves is to see things from others' point of view. If we do this, we'll not be so quick to lay blame at others' feet. Once there were two households, the Cheungs and the Lees. The Cheungs were a quarrelsome bunch while the Lees were always happy. One day, the Cheungs decided to ask the Lees what their secret was. The Lees told them, “All of you are always right, while we always try to see each other's point of view and realize that we are often part of the problem. This way, we are not so quick to point our fingers at others.”

The Cheungs did not understand what the Lees meant. They asked, “How does that work?”

One of the Lees explained, “Let's say someone in your house broke a vase. Everyone is quick to reprimand the person who broke the vase. The person, however, feels that it could not possibly be his fault, and the problem lies with the person who had put it there in the first place. In this way, a small squabble can escalate into a big fight. When the same thing happens in our house, the person who broke the vase immediately apologizes, 'I am sorry. I should be more careful.' The other party sees his role in the accident and will probably say something like this, 'I should not have placed the vase in that spot.' Instead of trying to place blame, we work together to resolve problems.”

When the Cheungs heard the explanation, they realized that the secret to a peaceful household is for each person to be demanding of himself or herself and yet forgiving of others.

In today's society which emphasizes the survival of the fittest, we are very competitive. Very often, we are driven not so much by the absolute quality of life but by the relative quality of life. We all want to be a bit better off than the person next door. This may mean living in a bigger house, driving a nicer car, or simply having a bigger bank account. Actually, we do not need to build our happiness on having more material things than others. There are many intangible things in this world that are much more valuable than how much wealth we possess.

It is better to give than to receive. This is especially true for the giving of happiness to others. This may mean giving our time, sharing our know-how, or helping those in need. We tend to think of happiness as a zero-sum game—the more we give, the less we have for ourselves. This cannot be further from the truth. Happiness is something that grows when it is shared with others. The happiness of others makes our own happiness that much more meaningful and enjoyable. We should not be afraid to share our happiness. We should remember the saying, “Sacrifice your comforts, be comfortable with making sacrifice.”

B. Contemplate the emptiness of the five aggregates

It is said in the sutras, “The cause of our suffering lies in the presence of the physical body.” What this means is that the root cause of our suffering lies in our attachment to this impermanent, non-substantial body we call “self” and mistaking it for our true self. The phenomenal self is actually nothing more than the combination of the five aggregates: form, feeling, conception, volition, and consciousness. Because of the five aggregates, we have discrimination, resulting in attachment and aversion. The sutras also say that we human beings are plagued by eighty-four thousand afflictions. These afflictions, which are like bandits, are led by the three main culprits of greed, hatred, and delusion. The commander-in-chief of these three culprits is the phenomenal self. How can we guard against the invasion of these bandits? The answer lies in “selflessness,” which is essentially eliminating the commander-in-chief of the bandits. When we speak of selflessness in Buddhism, we are not talking about non-existence or the termination of life. The body reconstitutes after death in a new rebirth and cannot be eliminated by physical means. The selflessness that we speak of is letting go of the notion of self. If we can see that what we normally call the self is nothing more than the result of the five aggregates coming together and is inherently empty in nature, we would not cling to the notion of self so tightly. Let me illustrate this point with the following story.

Once there was a man who took a wrong turn on his way back home from a trip. As the night set in, he found shelter in a little abandoned house by the roadside. Not long after he settled down, he saw a ghost about to enter into the house, hauling a corpse behind him. Even before he had time to take cover, an even larger ghost appeared at the door. Without as much as a word, the larger ghost tried to wrestle the corpse from the first ghost. The traveler was scared beyond his wits and unknowingly let out a squeal. The big ghost heard the noise and said, “Someone is hiding in the house. Let us ask this person who is the rightful owner of the corpse.”

Meanwhile, the little ghost spotted the man and grabbed him by the collar. He asked the traveler, “Tell the truth. Who did you see hauling the corpse in the first place?”

The man thought to himself, “If I speak the truth, the big ghost will not be too pleased with me. If I lie, I will anger the little ghost and create bad karma for myself. Either way, I am in big trouble. I may as well speak the truth.”

The man described what he saw, which angered the big ghost tremendously. The big ghost tore off the man's left arm and swallowed it. The little ghost felt sorry for the man and wanted to help. He tore the left arm off the corpse and transplanted it onto the man. This angered the big ghost even more, and he then tore off the man's right arm. The little ghost again replaced the missing arm with one from the corpse. The same thing happened to the man's legs and head. After a lot of commotion, both ghosts left in a huff. The man, who was in a state of shock, asked himself, “Who am I? These are not my limbs. This is not my head.”

With advances in medicine, all kinds of organ transplants are now possible. In fact, scientists are looking into cloning human organs or using organs from other species for transplants. In the age of cloning and organ transplants, how do we define the self? Even twenty-five hundred years ago, the Buddha taught us to see the physical body as the combination of the five aggregates and as being empty in nature. When we truly understand the meaning of this, we will not be attached to the form and feeling of the physical body. If not, we are setting ourselves up for many disappointments.

C. All mental constructs of outward appearances are illusive

Not only should we let go of the notion of self, we should also let go of the notion of others. Specifically, the Diamond Sutra teaches us to let go of both of the notions of self and others, as well as the notion of living beings and the notion of a life span. When we can let go of these four notions, we will look at the world with total equanimity. There will be no more duality of self versus others, and the transcendental and phenomenal will be seen as the same.

How does letting go of these notions free us from suffering? Let me give you an example. In Chinese culture, it is impolite to sit down while others are talking to you standing up. If someone does that to you, you may think of him as simply rude. But at home, you do not think twice if your young daughter asks you to crawl on all fours so that she can ride you like a horse. Why do we react to these two circumstances so differently? In the first case, you see the other party as distinctly different from you. In the second case, you see your child as an extension of yourself and will not be offended by what she does or says.

Many of our headaches in this world stem from our insistence on the duality of self versus others. The ultimate solution for life's many problems, therefore, lies in seeing that we all are one, and it is in our own interest to practice the golden rule of treating others like we would prefer to be treated ourselves. Never-Disparaging Bodhisattva was always respectful to everyone he met for he knew that we are all capable of becoming a buddha one day. If we all practice a modicum of this kind of respect for others, the world will be a much better place.

With this note, I want to close our discussion today. I want to thank you for giving your undivided attention to this Dharma talk. We are all here today with open minds and without any personal agenda. I hope that you can remember the serenity you feel here when you put aside all personal differences and just focus on the Dharma. Hold this thought with you when you step out of the auditorium back into the demands of your daily life. May you all find peace and happiness.